Human beings, by nature, are selfish. We can’t help ourselves. However, we can set an intention to be less selfish. Today’s blog post describes ten common ways we are selfish every day. It then lays out three approaches to overcoming our innate selfishness:
- The Christian way.
- The secular humanist way.
- The path of the realistic altruist.
See which path suits you better, or devise your own way. Then join me in committing to being a little less selfish in 2024!
Ten Most Common Ways We Are Selfish Everyday
Let’s start this examination with ways we typically act in our own self-interest.
Prioritizing our own needs and desires over the needs and desires of others
This can manifest in many ways, such as always wanting our own way, not taking the time to listen to others, or making decisions without considering how they will affect others.
- Example 1: Insisting on watching our favorite movie even though our partner wanted to watch something else.
- Example 2: Taking the last piece of cake without asking if anyone else wants it.
Taking credit for the work of others
When we take credit for the work of others, we are essentially stealing their success and denying them the recognition they deserve. This can be very hurtful and damaging to relationships.
- Example 1: Accepting praise for a group project when we didn’t contribute our fair share.
- Example 2: Presenting someone else’s idea as our own in a meeting.
Gossiping about or complaining about others
Gossiping and complaining about others is a form of negativity that can spread and damage relationships. It also shows that we are more interested in tearing others down than building them up.
- Example 1: Spreading rumors about a coworker we don’t like.
- Example 2: Talking behind a friend’s back about their personal life.
Not being grateful for what we have
We become resentful and unhappy when we focus on what we don’t have. Instead, we should strive to be grateful for all the good things in our lives, big and small.
- Example 1: Complaining about our job despite our stable income and benefits.
- Example 2: Focusing on what we don’t have rather than appreciating what we do have.
Being judgmental of others
When we judge others, we put them down and make ourselves feel superior. This is a negative and unproductive way to think.
- Example 1: Criticizing someone’s appearance or lifestyle choices.
- Example 2: Making assumptions about someone based on their background or beliefs.
Not being honest with ourselves or others
We break their trust and damage our relationships when we lie or deceive others. Honesty is always the best policy, even when it’s difficult.
- Example 1: Lying about our qualifications to get a job.
- Example 2: Cheating on a test to get a good grade.
Not taking responsibility for our actions
When we blame others or make excuses for our behavior, we avoid taking responsibility for our own lives. This can prevent us from growing and learning from our mistakes.
- Example 1: Blaming our partner for our own bad mood.
- Example 2: Making excuses for missing a deadline instead of admitting we procrastinated.
Not being generous with our time, money, or resources
When we are generous with others, we make the world better. It also makes us feel good about ourselves.
- Example 1: Refusing to donate to charity because we want to spend the money on ourselves.
- Example 2: Not volunteering our time to help others in need.
Not being forgiving
When we hold grudges, we are only hurting ourselves. Forgiveness is essential for healing and moving on from past hurts.
- Example 1: Holding a grudge against a friend who hurt our feelings.
- Example 2: Refusing to forgive someone for a past mistake.
Not being kind and compassionate
Kindness and compassion are essential for building strong relationships and making the world a better place.
- Example 1: Being rude to a customer service representative.
- Example 2: Not offering to help someone who is struggling.
Three Paths To Overcoming Selfishness
Now, let’s explore three different paths for overcoming selfishness – the Christian way, the secular humanist way, and the realistic altruist’s way. But first, let’s define terms.
- A Christian believes in Jesus Christ, who follows His teachings and lives a life aligned with God’s will.
- A secular humanist embraces reason, logic, and compassion to live a meaningful and ethical life without the need for religious faith.
- A realistic altruist does not judge selfishness but believes the best way to help themselves is to focus on mutually beneficial actions.
The Christian Path To Overcoming Selfishness
The Christian believes that overcoming innate selfishness is a challenging yet rewarding endeavor that requires a combination of personal effort and divine assistance. While self-awareness, reflection, and intentional actions can help us cultivate a more selfless mindset, seeking God’s help is paramount for achieving true transformation.
The Bible provides numerous examples of individuals who struggled with selfishness but ultimately found victory through God’s grace. Here are two biblical examples where someone was acting selfishly but was able to overcome their selfishness through the intervention of the Holy Spirit:
Peter Denying Jesus
Peter, one of Jesus’ closest disciples, denied knowing Jesus three times during Jesus’ trial and crucifixion. This was a moment of great weakness and selfishness for Peter, as he prioritized his own safety and fear of persecution over his loyalty to Jesus. However, after Jesus’ resurrection, Peter was deeply remorseful for his actions. He wept bitterly and sought forgiveness from Jesus. The Holy Spirit worked on Peter’s heart, helping him to overcome his fear and selfishness and become a bold and courageous leader for the early Christian church.
Jonah Fleeing from God
Jonah, a prophet of God, was called to preach repentance to the people of Nineveh. However, Jonah did not want to go to Nineveh, so he fled from God, boarding a ship in the opposite direction. Jonah was ultimately swallowed by a large fish, where he remained for three days and three nights. In the belly of the fish, Jonah prayed to God for forgiveness. The Holy Spirit worked on Jonah’s heart, helping him to repent of his selfishness and accept God’s calling. Jonah ultimately went to Nineveh and preached God’s message to repentance. The people of Nineveh repented, and God spared the city from destruction.
Christians believe that the pursuit of selflessness is not merely about suppressing our natural inclinations; it’s about aligning ourselves with God’s character and purpose. God is the epitome of love, humility, and generosity, and by seeking His help, we can gradually embody these qualities in our own lives.
Here are some specific ways in which seeking God’s help can be instrumental in overcoming selfishness:
Understanding the Root of Selfishness
The Bible teaches that selfishness stems from our sinful nature, a tendency to prioritize our own desires and interests over the needs of others. Recognizing this root cause is crucial for seeking God’s help in addressing it.
Seeking Repentance and Forgiveness
When we confess our selfish tendencies to God and seek His forgiveness, we open ourselves to His transformative power. God’s forgiveness not only cleanses us from sin but empowers us to break free from the patterns of selfishness that hold us back.
Drawing Strength from God’s Spirit
The Holy Spirit, God’s presence within us, provides the strength and guidance to resist selfish impulses and make selfless choices. By relying on the Spirit’s power, we can cultivate love, compassion, and generosity in our daily lives.
Seeking Wisdom from God’s Word
The Bible is a rich source of wisdom and guidance for overcoming selfishness. By regularly studying and applying God’s principles, we can better understand what it means to love God and others as ourselves.
Connecting with a Community of Faith
Surrounding ourselves with a community of believers who share our values and commitment to selflessness can provide encouragement, support, and accountability. In a supportive faith community, we can learn from others’ experiences, share our struggles, and celebrate our victories in overcoming selfishness.
For the Christian, seeking God’s help is not a sign of weakness but rather an acknowledgment of our need for His grace and power to overcome our innate selfishness. By aligning ourselves with God’s character and seeking His guidance, we can embark on a journey of transformation, becoming more selfless individuals who reflect His love and compassion for the world.
The Secular Humanist’s Path To Overcoming Selfishness
Overcoming selfishness requires a different strategy for the secular humanist. They recognize selfishness as a universal challenge. However, they believe that the inherent goodness of humanity, coupled with reason and compassion, provides them with the necessary tools to embrace selfless behavior.
Cultivating self-awareness
The first step to overcoming selfishness is to become aware of their own selfish tendencies. This can be done through journaling, meditation, or simply paying attention to their thoughts and feelings. Once they are aware of their selfish tendencies, they can begin to challenge those tendencies.
Practicing empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It is an essential ingredient for compassion and altruism. Secular humanists can cultivate empathy by spending time with people from different backgrounds and perspectives, listening to their stories, and trying to see the world from their point of view.
Engaging in prosocial behavior
Prosocial behavior is any behavior that benefits others. It can include volunteering, donating to charity, or simply being kind and helpful to others. Engaging in prosocial behavior can help the secular humanist feel more connected to others and experience the satisfaction of helping others.
Reflecting on our values
Secular humanists value reason, compassion, and justice. When they make decisions, they can ask themselves whether their choices are aligned with these values. If they are not, they can consciously try to change their behavior.
Seeking community
Secular humanists can find support and encouragement in their communities. Many secular humanist organizations offer opportunities for fellowship, education, and action. Being part of a secular humanist community can help them to stay motivated on their journey to overcome selfishness.
Understanding the nature of human behavior
From a secular humanist perspective, human behavior is shaped by a combination of biology, psychology, and social factors. This understanding can help them be more compassionate with themselves and others and recognize that selfish behavior is often a result of their conditioning and environment.
Cultivating gratitude
Gratitude is the appreciation of what we have. It can help us to focus on the positive aspects of our lives and to be more content with what we have. When secular humanists are grateful, they are less likely to be envious of others or to feel the need to put their own needs above the needs of others.
Practicing mindfulness
Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to the present moment without judgment. It can help us become more aware of our thoughts and feelings and make more conscious choices. When secular humanists are mindful, they are less likely to be driven by impulsive or selfish desires.
Embracing lifelong learning
Secular humanists believe in the importance of lifelong learning. This includes learning about themselves, others, and the world around them. As they learn, they can grow and evolve as individuals and become more capable of overcoming selfishness.
Seeking help when needed
Secular humanists acknowledge that overcoming selfishness can be a challenging journey, and there is no shame in seeking help when needed. They encourage people to seek supportive resources like therapists, counselors, and support groups to help them overcome their selfish nature.
In conclusion, secular humanists believe they can overcome their selfish nature by using reason, innate good nature, and commitment to making the world a better place. They believe they have the tools necessary within themselves to become more selfless, kind, and compassionate.
The Realistic Altruist’s Strategy for Overcoming Selfishness
A realistic altruist is someone who believes that the best way to help others is to focus on actions that are mutually beneficial (good for themselves and good for others). They recognize that people are most often motivated by self-interest, and they believe that it is possible to promote altruistic behavior by appealing to people’s own self-interest.
A realistic altruist will approach each of the ten common ways they are selfish with a strategic mindset, seeking ways to balance their own needs and interests with those of others. They recognize that modifying their innate selfish desires benefits them in the long run. Let’s examine their approach in more detail.
Prioritizing their own needs and desires over those of others
Realistic altruists recognize that prioritizing their own needs is essential for their well-being, but they also strive to consider the needs of others when making decisions. They understand that seeking win-win solutions benefits both themselves and others.
- Example: Offering to help a coworker with a challenging task can improve teamwork, create stronger relationships, and create a more positive work environment, which can benefit you and your colleagues.
Taking credit for the work of others
A realistic altruist acknowledges the contributions of others and avoids taking sole credit for their work. They understand that giving credit where it’s due builds trust and strengthens relationships.
- Example: Acknowledging the contributions of others not only builds trust and strengthens relationships but also demonstrates professionalism and humility, which can enhance your reputation and credibility.
Gossiping about or complaining about others
A realistic altruist avoids spreading gossip or negativity about others. They understand that such behavior can damage relationships and create a toxic environment.
- Example: Maintaining a positive outlook and avoiding negative conversations can create a more pleasant and supportive environment for yourself and others, reducing stress and enhancing overall well-being.
Not being grateful for what they have
A realistic altruist cultivates gratitude by focusing on the positive aspects of their lives. They should keep a gratitude journal or practice mindfulness exercises to appreciate their blessings.
- Example: Regularly expressing gratitude for the positive aspects of a realistic altruist’s life can boost their mood, increase resilience, and enhance overall life satisfaction, benefiting their mental and emotional well-being.
Being judgmental of others
A realistic altruist strives to be open-minded and avoid making assumptions about others. They recognize that everyone has different experiences and perspectives.
- Example: Approaching others with an open mind and avoiding quick judgments can lead to deeper connections, broader perspectives, and a more enriching understanding of the world around them.
Not being honest with themselves or others
Realistic altruists value honesty and integrity because such behavior builds trust, strengthens relationships, and enhances their reputation for reliability and integrity. They are honest with themselves about their motivations and avoid deceiving others.
- Example: Being honest and upfront with others, even when difficult, may cause short-term discomfort or setbacks. But in the long run, honesty builds trust, which is the foundation of solid personal and business relationships. Success in life and the world depends on such relationships.
Not taking responsibility for their actions
A realistic altruist takes ownership of their actions and avoids blaming others. They learn from their mistakes and make amends when necessary.
- Example: Owning up to their mistakes and taking responsibility for their actions demonstrates maturity, accountability, and a willingness to learn and grow, which can build their respect in the community, enhancing their personal development and improving the quality of their relationships.
Not being generous with their time, money, or resources
A realistic altruist understands that being generous with their time, money, and resources ultimately benefits themselves. They volunteer their time, donate to worthy causes, and share their resources because these actions serve as deposits of goodwill.
- Example: Volunteering their time to a worthy cause enhances their reputation in the eyes of others, encourages people to trust them, and provides personal satisfaction. Helping others generates a sense of purpose while connecting them with others.
Not being forgiving
A realistic altruist practices forgiveness to let go of resentments and move on. They understand that forgiveness benefits both themselves and the person they forgive.
- Example: Letting go of resentment and forgiving those who have wronged them can free them from emotional burdens, reduce stress, and allow them to move forward in a healthier and more positive way.
Not being kind and compassionate
A realistic altruist understands the benefit of treating others with respect and empathy. Realistic altruists can cultivate a more balanced and fulfilling life that benefits themselves and others by adopting a strategic approach to overcoming innate selfishness.
- Example: Showing kindness and compassion to others not only makes the world a better place but also enhances their sense of self-worth, empathy, social standing, and overall well-being.
These examples illustrate that altering a realistic altruist’s innate selfish behavior benefits others and leads to positive outcomes for the altruist. By prioritizing the well-being of others, realistic altruists cultivate meaningful relationships, enhance their reputation, improve their mental and emotional well-being, and ultimately create a more fulfilling and purposeful life.
Finding Your Own Path
Today’s blog post has explored three approaches to overcoming selfishness. There are many more, and I encourage you to keep looking if none of these resonate with you. In addition, other cultures and religions will likely have their own unique approaches to the subject.
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